Trust

Trust.  It’s one of the hardest things in the world to give.  Wells, for me it is.  I have a hard time understanding how someone is able to trust someone else.  There are so many examples of betrayal, deceit, and deception, yet people are still able to trust…..and that fascinates and eludes me.

                My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 and a half years.  He is the sweetest, gentlest, and most loving person I have ever met and I have never been happier, but for a long time in our relationship I had the hardest time trusting him.  Trusting that he won’t cheat on me or lie to me or believing him when he tells me he loves me.  He had never done anything to cause me to have these feelings.  I just never understood how someone could just put all of their faith and trust into someone knowing that that trusted person then had the ability of letting them down.  Not just letting them down but letting that trusting person to fall and break.  I felt like I couldn’t come back from that.  We have even had innumerable conversations with him telling me how me not trusting him makes him hurts him and me trying to explain how hard it is for me to trust.  Insecurities are very detrimental to relationships and not having faith or trust in the relationship could be the CAUSE of the relationship ending.  I should trust him and have faith in our relationship.  Daniel used to remind me of that every time we had that conversation.  So I worked on it.  Every time I would feel bad thoughts creep into my head I would think about all the happy times Daniel and I have had together and the bad thoughts would then seem really stupid and unrealistic.

 I have been able to overcome my trust issues and it amazes me how much better I feel in our relationship.  I used to have all these horrible scenarios that would constantly be playing in my head of all the bad things that could happen.  Now…..I just love and trust and have faith and I have never felt better J….and I know Daniel feels better knowing that I do. 

Free Write

I’m not really sure what to blog about this week so I’m just gonna ramble and see that happens.

                I’ve given up chocolate and any drink that isn’t water for a while.  I feel like I ate way too much so I’m semi-dieting.  I love chocolate like a fat kid…loves….chocolate…. X). I eat chocolate whenever I get the chance.  That and caramel.  I love caramel too but most of the time chocolate is more readily available so that’s what I eat.  Like at work!  We have these already amazing brownies that are really REALLY good and then my job goes and gets S’more brownies!.... Goodness.  But yeah.  Giving chocolate up for a while.  I usually only drink water so the only water thing won’t be much of a problem.

                One thing that will be a little problem is the gym.  I am not fit whatsoever.  I don’t like running…or sweating…..or being all huffy puffy sweaty beast in front of a bunch of other people so the gym is like my worst place ever.  BUT I need to be loosing of the weight and the gym will help with that. 

                A friend of mine has become my gym buddy.  We have decided to do cardio for 1 hour when we first get to the gym and then strength training after that……I am not the kind of person who can do cardio for an hour.  The first time we went to the gym though I did.  I was on the bouncy elliptical thingy for a whole hour….and then my legs were all wobbly and I didn’t wanna do anything else.  My friend and I did though.

                Scheduling is really difficult.  My work schedule differs week to week so there is no consistency (and I like consistency).  My school schedule (particularly Mondays) are packed with rather tough classes and It’s hard to make time to do work for these classes and have time to exercise and eat right when all I really wanna do is sit at my desk in my dorm, watch Breaking Bad, and eat brownie sundaes.

                I really feel like there should be a limit to the amount of stuff people have to do in order to be successful in life.  I know that sounds really stupid but I’m tired and don’t want to do anything anymore and I just wanna relax and seen to never have the time to do so because I always have something else looming over my head that needs to get done so I never really relax. 

                I just wanna finish thins blog with the statement that I will possibly be having 5 classes on Monday next semester.  If the courses I requested get approved, I will be in class from 9:05 am- 5:15 pm every Monday……cause that’s the only way my schedule would work with the number of credits I need for that semester. :( 

Poop. 

      

Things I wanna do before I die

Things I wanna do before I die

1.       Meet my entire family at the places they live (even my father’s side)

2.       Road trip across Europe

3.       Road trip across America but visit all the states

4.       Fly a plane

5.       Sky dive

6.       Bungee jump

7.       Go white water rafting again

8.       Have a flat stomach

9.       Be able to run a mile without stopping

10.   Walk (gracefully) in heels

11.   Swim in a pool that’s on a boat

12.   Go on a cruise (maybe do #11 here)

13.   Help thousands of animals

14.   See my mom and family not have to worry

15.   Climb Mt. Everest

16.   Swim with dolphins

17.    Feed a walrus fish

18.   Go to Disneyland

19.   Go to a lightless place to see all the stars at night

20.   Water ski

21.   Parasail

22.   Have a day to just be (no worries)

23.   Stay in bed all day (#22 doesn’t count)

24.   Go to a drive in movie

25.   Go to a Rocky Horror Picture Show showing in a theater

26.   Sleep in the bed of my (future) trucks filled with a bunch of blankets

27.   Make all the meals in my mom’s German cookbook

28.   Speak German fluently…..and understand it

29.   Own a home

30.   Raise a family

31.   Make sure my kids don’t have to worry

32.   Make my (future) house a home

33.   Go rock climbing

34.   Go in the eye thingy in that England place (sorry for not knowing specifics)

35.   See the Mona Lisa in person

36.   See the Statue of David in person

37.   Meet Johnny Depp

38.   Meet Mila Kunis

39.   Win a wrestling match against my boyfriend

40.   Own a California King bed

41.   Get my hair to remain un-poofy for more than 10 minutes

42.   Own a frog

43.     Actually keep a journal going (maybe this will stick)

44.   See the Northern Lights

45.   Visit Alaska

46.   Visit Russia

47.   Be a part of New Year’s at Time Square

48.   Kiss my love on New Year’s at Time Square

49.   Get a tattoo

50.   Learn to play the piano

51.   Learn to play the guitar

52.   Become a Veterinarian

53.   Not injure myself for a week straight

54.   Take my mom to visit her family in Germany

55.   Get my brother to play football

56.   Go on a shopping spree

57.   Not have to worry about money

d8. Own a Great Dane

The list so far X)

Love you, mama part III

The surgery was successful.  The doctor said there were basically two options for mom’s split aorta: option A was to put in a synthetic aorta.  This would be made of a sort of aortic type material and would do the job, however, this replacement valve was likely to be rejected by mom’s body and she would have to be rushed back in again.  Even if that didn’t happen, the synthetic aorta would have to be replaced repeatedly.  Not often, but having open heart surgery once is one time too many.  Option B involved the replacement of the aorta with another human aorta.  This option was better in than option A because it was actually made out of human parts but again it may be rejected.  Also to would have to be replaced.  How was the doctor able to choose between the two evils?

                It turns out he didn’t have to.  He told us that instead of using the artificial or other aorta, he was able to repair mom’s torn aorta.  This was great news to hear because mom having her own major artery healing and mending then she hopefully wouldn’t have to have open heart surgery again. 

                After hearing the good news we decided to go home and rest.  I remember when we were able to actually see her after her surgery.  There were only two visitors allowed in at one time as to not over load the patients.  Mom was hooked up to every machine you could think of.  There were tubes in her wrists and arms.  Tubes in the upper part of her chest.  There were also tubes up her nose and mouth.  Her eyes were closed and she looked like she was sleeping.  You could see the long bandage down the middle of her chest peeking out of the top of her hospital gown.  She was hopped up on pain meds.  She didn’t look like mom really.  She looked like a fail, tired woman who needed love and attention.

                She was wake for other visits and at first still a little loopy from the drugs.  She told us later that she doesn’t remember anything the few days after her surgery.  Crazy what drugs can do. 

                Anyways, there was no rush for her to get out of the hospital.  She was healing very nicely, even walking around and stuff.  The only problem was her emphysema.  This is a problem that occurs do to sudden large intake of smoke or gradual intake of smoke over time.  Mom was a smoker for a looooooooooong time, so some of the alveoli in her lungs died.  These cells are responsible for transferring oxygen to the blood.  This problem was the only thing that kept mom down in the recliner in our living room for so long.  She had to breathe with an oxygen machine and not do too much work.

                Now a days she drives a school bus and does mom stuff.  My family and I are really fortunate to have her in our lives.  And if we didn’t know that before, we sure do know that now.

Talk to you later

Devi

Ali, Mom, and I last easter

Mom and I on mother's day

Love you, mama part II

                Picking up where I left off last week:  The doctor told us that something had happened to mom’s heart.  He told us that a major artery of the heart called the Aorta, had split into 2.  This called an aortic dissection.  It is a very serious condition because the main job of the Aorta is to pump blood from the heart to the rest of the body.  So if there is a tear in this artery then the blood is being pumped out of the heart and not getting to any other artery.  It collects in the chest cavity and descends to the stomach.  He explained that this was why mom felt pain in her chest and stomach.  He also told us that it explained why the doctors at the previous hospital had suggested just rest and some medication.  You wouldn’t rush someone to the heart hospital for stomach pains.

                Anyways, after he told us this he explained what was going to happen next.  He said that mom would have to go in for surgery immediately in order to repair the split and save mom’s life.  So 2 men came in and allowed my family and I to walk as mom rolled through the hospital until we arrived at what the 2 men called the “Goodbye hallway.”  We couldn’t go with mom any further, so we all said our goodbyes.  It was one of the hardest things I had ever done.  Not knowing if I would see mom again alive eat me up inside but I knew I had to hurry and let her get to surgery in order for her to have a better chance of survival.  So I hugged her and kissed her head and told her “Love you, mama.”  She smiled up at me and said “Love you more, baby.”

                My family and I was directed toward the waiting room where we distracted ourselves with coin games and magazines.  Before the doctor had come into the patient room to tell us what was wrong, mom had given me her phone and told me to text and call her close friends to let them know what was going on.  It was really hard to keep my voice from shaking as I told our close family friend Ms. Jeanie what had happened.  She was so soothing and kind and said she would meet up with the family and I at the hospital with some of mom’s other friends.  It felt good to know more people would be here thinking of mom

                When Ms. Jeanie and the others arrived it was hugs galore.  As soon as I saw Ms. Jeanie I started crying again.  She held me tight and pet my hair and told me things would be alright.  When she say that our only food options were the vending machines she immediately ordered us all pizza and drinks.  She is an amazing woman.

                My dad had called his dad and brother and told them about the situation.  They both made it to the hospital around 2 in the morning.  Then we all waited…and waited…and waited.  My sister and I had fallen asleep on a couch in the waiting room when dad woke us up.  The doctor had come in to tell us how the surgery went.

                More next week.  Until next time

Devi

Mom and I after graduation

Mom and Dad

Love you, mama

                A few years ago, something happened in my life that changed how I see it forever.

                I had just gotten back from a church youth camp with a friend of mine when my dad messaged me and told me to ask my friends mom to drop me off at the local hospital.  I was freaking out and didn’t know what was going on but I did what he said.

                When I got to the hospital, met my dad, sister, and brother in the waiting room of the hospital.  They told me that out of nowhere a few hours earlier mom felt radiating pains in her stomach and back.  They wouldn’t go away. So my family took her to the hospital.  My dad said that the doctors were going to give her medicine and watch her condition for a while so he decided to take us back home and he would come back to the hospital to take mom home.

                15 after dad dropped us off he came rushing in the door again telling all of us to get in the car.  We were scared and flustered but obedient.  Apparently when dad got back to the hospital he was told that mom wasn’t there anymore.  Her condition was worse than they suspected so they sent her in an ambulance to the Sentara Heart hospital in Norfolk.  As we drove there, we all thought about what could be wrong with mom.  Was she even going to make it to the hospital?  What was the last thing I said to her before I left for the youth trip?  I don’t even remember.

                When we got to the hospital we had to get photo ID stickers in order to enter the room that had mom in it.  I still have all 3 of my siblings and I’s ID’s….. You can see how out of it and distraught we were.  Only a few people could be in the room with mom at a time so I think it was my dad and I who were the first to get to see her.  She looked so tired and you could tell she was in pain but she tried her to hide it.  As soon as I saw her I started crying.  She said soothing words like “It’s going to be ok.  Be strong, baby.”  But all I wanted to do was hug her any never let go.

                When the doctor came in, I asked if he would allow my sister and brother to be in the room with us.  He kindly said yes so my dad went and got them.  When he came back we all attacked him with questions: What’s wrong with her?  Can you fix it?  Will she be ok? 

                I’ll continue this blog next week.  Until then.

Devi

My mom and I's nails

My mom and I before I left for prom

Roommate Tiff Part 3 & I Feel Bad

SO!........I get back from work the day of the meeting with the RA, which I set up to be around 10:30 since I knew I’d be back before then, and guess what I find.  My roommate….. ASLEEP!  She was freaking asleep.  When she knew dang well what time I said the meeting was AND she knew how important the reason for the meeting was to me.  But nooooooo.  She decided to fall asleep….. bad lady.  She totally did it on purpose too.  I know what you’re thinking.  I shouldn’t assume that she intentionally went to sleep to get out of the meeting. But that’s exactly what she did.  One of my friends even told me when I brought it up that she intentionally went to sleep.  Her exact words were “It’s her way or the highway.”  And it wasn’t that hard to believe the sleeping was intentional.  It was 10:30 at night and she doesn’t usually go to bed until 12:30.  Faking butt bad lady.  Now my roommate and I are civil…..we talk sometimes (question-answer question-answer mostly) but that’s about it.  SO not what I wanted in my college life.  Just so awkward.

                But yeah.  That’s that.  What do you think about my situation?

                 This weekend Daniel’s coming over since this was the weekend we verbally agreed he could.  I haven’t brought it up again cause I’m just so over this fake butt girl.  But yeah, he’s coming over and spending the whole weekend.  And oh yeah.  He still can’t stay in the room while I’m at work so he has to stay with me at my job (5 hours or until I get done cleaning after we close at 10).  I feel really bad because he’s constantly waiting on me.  Whether it’s waiting for me to get off of work or waiting up with me while I finish my hw or waiting for me to get done me 8+ years of college, Daniel is always waiting on me.  It makes me feel horrible.  He does a lot of other stuff too aside from wait me but I feel like I’m taking up all his time.  I even told him that that was how I felt and he just said “I like having someone to wait on J”  How cute is that X).  Still fell a little bad though.  ANYways, I’m gonna cut this blog short.  Finally finished the roommate topic.  I know yall are happy about that X).  But yeah.  Until next time.

Devi

Roommate status right now

Daniel and I for Prom